Dear Sirs,

I am responding to your letter denying my deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my federal tax return. Thank you. I have questioned for years whether or not these are my children.

They are ill-behaved and expensive. I am happy to give them to you. Please do not reassign them to me next year and reinstate the deduction.

Since they are no longer my responsibility, it is only fair that the government know something about them. The oldest, Joi, is now 17. She is brilliant. If you don't believe me, just ask her.

I suggest you put her to work in your office, where she can answer people's questions about their returns. While she has no formal training, it has not hampered her mastery of any subject.

Next year she is going to college. I think it is wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. Joi also has a boyfriend. You will like him a lot. Her father and I have occasionally reminded her of the virtues of abstinence, or at the very least, safe sex. This is always uncomfortable, and I'm quite relieved that you will be handling these discussions in the future.

Christopher is 14. I have had my suspicions about him. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if he is not incarcerated first.

His hair is purple, and he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria. I have taken the liberty of filing your phone number with the principle for future use.

Do not leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables or telephones. They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 numbers. Please let me know if you would like him delivered to the local IRS branch or the main office.

Tiffany is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic. She is 10, going on 21, wears tie-dyed clothes, beads and sandals. I know you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial courses.

It's obvious we are terrible parents (ask the other two), because Tiffany can't speak English. She has a curious style of expression... a cross between "Valley girl," yuppie talk and political double-speak. The school sends her to a speech pathologist where she has learned to roll her "r's." This has added a refreshing Hispanic-Irish touch.

Tiffany wears her hat backward, likes baggy pants and wants one of her ears pierced four more times. She has a fascination with tattoos, but I am sure you can handle it.

Since you have denied two of the three exemptions, it is only fair that you get to pick which two. I prefer you take Christopher and Tiffany. I still will go bankrupt with Joi's college education, but then I am free.

Of course, if you take the two older children, I will have time for intensive counseling before Tiffany becomes a teenager. If you decide to take the two girls, I will not object, since I can put Christopher in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible.

Yours truely,

The Momma